No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
