i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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