yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
