Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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