Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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