just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm both gender and math confused
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
