i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
