A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
