I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
