so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
