3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
