Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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