Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
