You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
