Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
