I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
