sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
