it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
