my phone needs a breathalizer
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
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