Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
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I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
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He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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