Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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