I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
