nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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