You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
