he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
