I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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