When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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