i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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