i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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