new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
