I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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