On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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