I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
