I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
