About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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