I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
