I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
