Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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