pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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