I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
