you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
