Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
