my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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