i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
