im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
