Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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