when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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