Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
