One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
