just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
