Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
