Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
