Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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