If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
