She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
