The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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