So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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