We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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